I can’t hear you. Those words, that statement, a perception of unintended confusion. We say things, we hope it’s clear to the audience, but in most cases, we’re lucky if they even got past the first few words. That communication block has got to be one of the most annoying things to experience when it comes to casual interactions. What we see most of the time, isn’t what others see as well. What others see, comprehend, and reiterate isn’t always what we have in mind either. It sucks to know you have so much to tell someone but you just can’t find the right words because, well, you never really learned the proper way of expressing yourself. I, myself, am calling out one of my pressing weaknesses this morning. There, I said it! I am speechless when it comes to speaking my mind, verbally for the most part. I get so tongue-tied, or rather the words just fade into a thick cloud of misinterpretation; waiting for that communication block to hit me in the head, after all is said and done. It is usually after the conversation has ended minutes, hours, days, months and even occasionally years later, that it hits me “Maybe I should have said that!”
Learning to communicate verbally has been one of my greatest challenges in life because I always shied away from expressing myself verbally as a child. Growing up a timid, shy girl, I never foresaw the consequences of that predicament, which would one day affect me somewhat harshly as an adult. After various past relationships, as I’ve reflected on, I discovered that one of the reasons they never succeeded was because of my lack of communication in certain areas. Voicing out my wants and frustrations could at times be one of the most daunting and exhausting moments of my life. The frustration of not fully comprehending what type of words to use, even though I could simply want to just ask for something as simple as going out for lunch. At any rate, I can vouch for longevity when it comes to my commitment for beating this problem out of me. I am getting better by the day, and as they say, “little by little”.
However, I should add that lately, for the past year or so I have been very forthcoming with my intentions and open with my communication style. I’ve gained interest in writing more, in which I have discovered a hidden therapeutic approach in actually helping myself articulate and communicate my needs and wants better. It might not make sense to the practical mind, the organized and structured kind of person would see this as someone who just needs some sort of order in their life.
Writing for leisure has opened me to a place where I’ve always wanted to go before, but just didn’t know the road to that destination. Writing has brought me to that place where, I can finally dissect my thoughts, putting them in a visual form that almost resembles that of a beautiful piece of art that began with just a scribble. Writing is something I intend to do now, every day, even if it’s just one sentence, at least I know there was a form of release. That release is something I’ve secretly coveted for the longest time, but with a mind clouded with frustrations of not knowing how to express my thoughts, I kept it hidden and locked in a place that was just too dark and airless for me.
Like air, I am breathing again.
Let this breath never be taken away from me, for it is life to me. Let me write till I don’t make sense any longer. It just feels good to write these days, because I can now speak on what I want and what I don’t want. I can now identify those dark sentences riddled in the alleys and dark corners of my clouded mind. It’s sunny in here now, the day is bright, and I can tell you what is actually in my mind.
Living Free 